


The Empress

by finiarel



Category: Nogizaka46 (Band)
Genre: A bit of sayumai in prologue and first chap but after that is basically nanamai, F/F, empress maiyan, it did get angstier than intended but that's just how life works, kingdom au, life is angstier than intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2019-09-14 03:22:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16905171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finiarel/pseuds/finiarel
Summary: When one rule a kingdom, expectation and mistakes are a bad mix that can haunt them forever.





	1. Prologue

How did it come to this again?

The tongue on her skin moves like a brush on canvas. Creating an art on her delicate body. She has never thought about it before but the one on top of her has perfected the knowledge on their intimate moments, which spots she's most sensitive in, which one is her biggest turn off, which one will increase the time it took for her to come undone, and which one will work the opposite way.

Throwing her head to the side, her eyes catch her black handbag on the sofa, its golden chain hangs over the white cushion. She shut her eye, trying not to think about the white gold ring inside, the beautiful circle throned with the purest diamond. Her mind goes to the altar where she will stand tomorrow, declaring her oath to love for sickness and health.

This person above her will not be that person.

She felt the hot lips leaving her skin, the area where it touched just a second ago now feels cold and exposed.

"My lady, are you okay?" Came the casual question latched with concern.

Her eyes fluttered open, meeting a pair of deep brown orbs that stares back at her.

No, she's not okay, and it frustrates her that the reason for that is the younger girl that's currently straddling her waist is seemingly fine with the whole situation.

From the start, there was never a relationship. It was merely two girls, seeking each other to satisfy their lust. The future empress way to rebel her destiny to marry someone that was chosen in the name of keeping the royal line. There is no love, it's all about temporary warmth and comfort.

She wonders if she has any expectation on whatever it is that's going on between them. There was never a spark, not even her heart has even raced on any occasion that's outside the walls of her private chamber. Nor did she ever feel anger when she finds out this person often beds another person that's not her.

She was never hers and never will.

This person is her personal caretaker, one that supposed to be there to wake her up and warm her bath. Clean and tidy her bedsheet instead of being the reason that it's dirty and messy.

She shook her head, pulling the person close to her, slightly grinds her body onto the one above her. A silent gesture that she would like her to continue.

How despicable of her to let this person taints her, even more, to be the one who asked for it.

The situation is rather ironic. The empire has been chanting her name as the symbol of untainted beauty. Yet, she's far from the pure and innocent image they have always associated her with. The future empress smirked, the thought that she's doing something far from what her people expect her has lit up the flame inside her.

She wants to laugh when thinking about how disgraceful her act would be considered among her peers. Those stiff shinno and shinnohi. She wondered if those perfect life they boasted a lot is just a façade just like hers. The teasing that occurs among them sometimes, about how one destined person could be less appealing than their own maids, how unlucky they're when that happens. How it's in their power to also beds the one they prefer as long as they do their duty to their spouse to give them the heir and heiress the country deserves.

She wonders about that, whether the one betrothed to her is less appealing than this person in front of her. Exhaled when she decided that the reason she finds the person appealing is that she had undressed before her. More she finds her appealing when she is able to deliver her to a temporary bliss.

How simple her mind is.

Gently her hands reached up to pull the person closer, engulfing the plump lips with hers. She stopped for a bit when she realised what she's doing. All this time, she has always stopped herself from kissing the person on the lips and the person itself knows well than to cross what she wouldn't like.

Call her a hopeless romantic, but there was a time when the future ruler thinks that it's better for her to save her kiss for someone she's going to marry.

But now all she can think is how illogical that was. She has gone past that point. Romance is a concept that has not and probably will never wrap her head around.

She groaned softly, her index finger tracing the girl's lower lip, adoring the smooth and silky texture it has before her hand pulled the person by the chin once more. Her lips pressed hard against the other girl's. Fingers tangled in the soft tresses of brown hair.

This will be her last night before she is married and there was no stopping Shiraishi Mai to make the night count.

**~ To Be Continued ~**

**==================**

**AN:**

Hi so this marks the first nogi stuff I posted in AO3, I'd appreciate it if you let me know what you think :) About the pairing it's basically a nanamai story but a bit of sayumai in the beginning


	2. Part 1

The entire life path of a crown princess has been decided from the early years of their life. Be it where they will pursue their education, the person they will wed once they’re deemed to be ready, even to the one that shall serve them until their death bed.

Matsumura Sayuri is the latter. They are introduced to each other the time she had turned 12. The cheerful girl duty varies from keeping track of her to do list until the private matters like checking on her chambers and make sure all her need is provided.

Different. Normal. Platonic.

That’s what their relationship used to be.

_She_  used to be a friend, one she will talk to, share her day with, one that can offer a piece of opinion when she demands it. A perfect companion, that’s the purpose of the girl- nothing more or less.

However, Sayuri is still human. The girl still has every right to spend her private time with someone else that is not the princess- in particular, in her time off at night.

Considering that the girl also lives in the palace, this does not escape her eyes. They were 18th when she started to notice the servant preference to spend her private time. She saw the look Sayuri gave to a young maid that they passed as they make their way through the long corridor.

Back then, her heart grows warm to see the interaction, she was happy that the person sworn to have the utmost loyalty to her has found someone to share her love with.

It wasn’t long until she realises that the young maid from the kitchen isn’t the only one that Sayuri whispers sweet nothings to. There was the knight in training. The florist who comes every day to ensure the palace is decorated with the freshest flowers. Even a guest that came from a faraway land whose name she had forgotten has taken interest in the servant.

A curiosity has gotten her one night. Just as she climbed on the bed, the kotashihi raised a question.

“They were the one looking for a temporary love and I am more than happy to provide it.” Her answer only put more confusion inside the heiress' head.

“So- you have no love for them at all?”

The servant chuckled, “my love for them is enough to lure my deepest desire, purely physical attraction, nothing more.”

“Why?” the one on the bed pursed her lips, trying to find words to phrase her question better. “Why do you do it then? Isn’t sex supposed to be something that you do with someone that you truly love only or at least the one you will spend the rest of your life with?”

Sayuri uses the fire iron to poke the wood inside the fireplace, making sure that it’s warm enough to fight the cold night but not too warm that her master would be sweating. She smiled, adoring how pure her future ruler is. What an honour to be to be the person who taints her, luring her to submit to carnal pleasure, teaching her that lust could be better than love itself.

How wonderful it would be the reason for the first red dots on the sheet.

“My lady, I think life is too short to spend on waiting for someone that you will truly love. There’s always an uncertainty that one will ever find them anyway. So why waste more time when you can have the enjoyment now.”

She wanted to deny her opinion with every fibre of her well-being. But she realised that the servant has spoken nothing but the ugly truth. Who can guarantee that she will ever find love in a person that has been promised to her, one that she has never met before? A figure that has been nothing but just a mere name of a person that she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

The blue blood watches as the person walked towards the door, all she can imagine is the girl will make her move towards a chamber where a person will be waiting to spend the night together.

The thought bothered her a bit. A jealousy for those have has gotten the enjoyment from her servant more than she possibly has ever had. A temptation to be someone that’s not the one her people expect her to be.

“Sayurin, suppose if I ask, would you do it to me too?”

The servant smirked, knowing the odds might be in her side that night. “That would be my honour.”

That is no exaggeration. With her love for casual romantic affairs, bedding the kotashihi will be the ultimate achievement. A name that should be written in golden ink if she ever had list it all.

“… Then … we can do it … Well, I mean you can do it… Like, help me to… Because I have not…” She flushed, embarrassed from her lack of experience.

The servant locked the door before heading back to where the generous sized bed stands. She took both of the royalty hands with hers, kneeling on the side of the bed, eyes gazing at the person gently.

Her entire life on the person’s hand so this needs to be right. One wrong move and the crown princess has all the right to put her head on the chopping board.

“My lady, are you sure?” she asked. “The first time is something that one can never take back.”

There was a lot going on inside the heiress head at the same time. Her worry that her people would find out that the future empress innocence is taken. Guilt that she will be tainted by someone that is not the person she’s promised to. But amongst that, there’s a spark of excitement for she’s about to do something for herself. Something that is meant to be the satisfaction for her and the servant instead of the entire country.

She nodded, her hand guides the younger one to the knot of her silky nightrobe.

“Please make me yours for the night.”

Looking back, the future empress would laugh at how naïve she was to think that one night will be enough. It wasn’t long until it turns into a number that she couldn’t keep track anymore. Her careless mistakes that is known to nobody but her and the servant soon pile up into an ugly lump of guilt that shadows her future.

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	3. Part 2

Their first meeting was cut short. She has some important matters to attend regarding the coronation ceremony and therefore was not able to do more than a simple greeting with a really awkward kiss on her betrothed knuckles. That left her with nothing much learnt of her future wife. All she was able to conclude at that moment is how the younger woman is a bit timid and probably shy because most of the time she weren't looking at the one she's talking to.

However, all within the day of their wedding, Nishino Nanase of Kansai changed her world.

Nanase might be a woman of few words. Often stammered when it comes to public speaking. However, in their wedding day, amongst all the snobby royal which keeps teasing them to plan more celebrations, Nanase spoke up that the idea is nothing but a waste of money. She would rather see the country budget goes to rebuilding the orphanage.

For their marriage gifts, Nanase has asked her to build an animal sanctuary, one which would shelter stray and homeless animal. An area where their people can visit for free.

When asked about her hopes for the country Nanase said that one thing she thing is in dire to be fixed in the kingdom is the power abuse. One with higher standing thinking that it's their right to treat those below them in any way they see fits, Nanase would not like to see that to happen ever again.

The way Nanase looks at people are gentle, but people should know better than to cross her opinion. The young woman perfect mix of courage and kindness is what attracts her. Tugging her heart to finally love. Bursting with proudness. Mai is in every way honoured that Nanase will be on her side during her time ruling the nation.

When she looked back to the interviews and appearance they have together on that day. It's not hard to see how she truly feels. The way she couldn't help but boast about all the charity project that Nanase has done, laying out their future-plan to serve their people, swear an oath that she will make it better.

Falling in love has never been her plan. Even the word love has become just a concept she has never really think about for years. Her plan was simple, be a decent spouse to her future bride, a loving parent to the heir they're going to produce, empress that her country will fight for.

Maybe it's true that love comes at the time where one wouldn't expect.

However, when their first night comes, she realised that she has been too caught up in the persona of her newly wedded wife that she forgot what kind of person she used to be. Part of her which is a traitorous cheater is still there.

And the fact that at that point she has grown to like her wife wholeheartedly makes the guilt even worse.

Sure, she has made it clear to Matsumura that what happened just a night ago is their last. The servant understands well not to tempt her for more. There's also her vow to be faithful which she has every intention to follow. Yet her brain was still clouded by the sin she has made. Her fault is not erased just because she's falling in love.

When the mahogany door of the room is finally closed. She realised that it's the first time there's only the two of them in the room. Away from public eyes and the cameras. The thought of that makes the future empress feels like she's suffocating.

Her stomach squirmed.

She made a dash to the bathroom. It felt like she can't handle it anymore. She sees herself staring back in the mirror. The same face that is known to be the symbol of pure beauty in the world. The very same face that was marked by another woman lips just a night before.

She was about to tell her wife that she's going to be fine when her bowels suddenly moved and pushed out what she had eaten in their wedding dinner earlier.

Everything is just... Wrong.

The future empress, head buried in the marble sink bowl. Just a few hours ago, Nanase had wiped her cheek from the spill of their freshly baked wedding cake, a beautiful sight that makes her heart fuzzy. But now the younger woman is using a warm towel to dab the corner of her lips. Another beautiful sight but this time it makes her heart ache in guilt.

"No... You don't need to do that..." She tried to stop her. The fact that she is vomiting in her wedding night is hard enough already. To have her wonderful wife taking care of her mess?

That's too much, isn't it?

"Should I call Matsumura-san, then?" The other woman asked. Her brows furrowed in concern.

"No, it's fine... They will make this a big deal than it actually is."

The woman sighed. "It is a big deal. What if you got food poisoning? What if someone is out there to take you down? Tomorrow is your coronation day, anything could happen."

She's trying her best not to laugh because Nanase is doing exactly what people around her usually does. Something that she has grown accustomed to. The assumption that there's someone to blame when she's not feeling well. Wary that there is someone that has an ill intention to steal the right she has from the moment she was born. Even though that's kind of given considering her position, still... It's something that she always finds rather pitiful.

Especially now that the main reason is that she's disgusted with herself.

"I assure you, this is not like that." She said before gargling the mouthwash on the counter. Feeling a bit better when her mouth felt fresh. She took the warm towel from Nanase's hand and started to wipe down the countertop, making sure that there is nothing that will warn the maid in the morning that she had vomited.

Nanase silently watches as Mai finishes the task in her hand, following her spouse back to their bed once she's done.

The mood is all wrong. The other woman worrying about her health. Her own regrets from her past mistakes. But somehow, she was able to get her mind through those. Fingers steady as she unzips the white gown Nanase wore. Eyes closed as she draws a map on the woman's body. Earning soft whimpers of pleasure from her love.

"Mai..."

It wasn't a statement of warning. Nor it was something meant to tell her to stop her ministration. It was simply a moan of pleasure with her name latched on it. This should be something she takes with pride. She should be overjoyed that she is good enough to make her wife burst with feelings.

However, she feels guilty and unworthy.

 _Nishino Nanase deserves more than her._ That's what her mind keeps coming back to and it's right. Her wife deserves the Shiraishi Mai that has been the model image of their country. The purest of the white blood. Tainted by none.

As if feelings her turmoil, Nanase eyes fluttered open. Waiting for her to continue what is halted. For a moment, they stay like that. Until she finally came up with a solution to her problem.

"Um... Can you please lie on your stomach instead?" She said. "It... Will be easier for me."

Easier, right. That's the most important thing out of everything. Not seeing her wife face as she leads her to the peak. No kisses that remind her of the past. Slowly drift her mind away from what's been haunting her.

Somehow the so-called strategy works and Nanase wasn't in the position to notice that deep inside, she's disgusted with her own actions. Face flinched with guilt whenever she heard her name comes out in their so-called love-making.

The activity that used to give her nothing but joy is starting to break her inside.    

**~ To Be Continued ~**


	4. Part 3

It was one of that night they spent being awake with no words spoken. The crown empress lay on the bed with her back facing her wife. Eyes wide opened, trying to shake the tough decision she had to make earlier that day. One that causes someone to lose their life on the gallows.

In her ruling, Shiraishi Mai has been known for being strict. A crime is a crime. Punishable with no exceptions. At first, that had caused the kingdom to be shaken, but as the time goes they fall back into a peaceful land. Their influence in the world flourishes even more than how it used to be during the time of her ancestors. Not even 3 years have passed since her coronation, but the young empress has pulled her kingdom forward. The small nation that used to be just a name among the others is now getting more acknowledgement for their wealth and power.

She felt a movement coming behind her, her wife arms coming from behind her, pulling their body closer before it rests just above her navel. She can feel soft lips pressed at the back of her neck. “Can’t sleep?”

Mai nodded, her hand took the one slipping underneath her silken robe, giving it a gentle kiss before replying. “Nanase, you don’t have to… You’re pregnant so it’s fine, I’ll be okay.”

She knows exactly what her wife has in mind. Nanase has a way to take her mind away when she couldn’t sleep, proposing an activity that will help her relax and took her mind away from the awful thing she has witnessed. A temporary escape that she has always been grateful for. However, ever since they found out that they’re having a baby, Nanase hasn’t been engaging her into the activity. Considering that she was never the aggressor either, that leaves her with a lot of sleepless night filled with the thoughts of her country.

The thing is, she is still hiding her ugly past from her wife. Often, after their passionate moments, her mind will go back to those days. Drowning her in a pool of self-loathing once more. Still, she would be lying if she said she doesn’t miss their love-making sessions. After all that has happened, she feels like she has no right to demand or to receive that kind of love from her wife, especially now that they have an heir on the way that means that her job as a spouse is done.

“I… want you…”

That word is enough to turn the switch inside her mind, pulling her to finally turn around and face the other woman. Her hand moved to get Nanase’s nightgown undone, movement sloppy from excitement mixed with desperation.

However, she stopped herself when she’s about to turn Nanase body around in the manner that she has grown familiar with. Knowing well that position will be dangerous for the one inside the tummy. Somehow, her mind took her back to the reason that happened for the first time.

And she did what she should have done that night when they consummate their marriage. Shaking her head in sorry as she looked at her wife.

“I can’t do this.” Mai pulled back. “Sorry, I just… Can’t.”

Seeing that, Nanase quickly pulls up the quilt, covering her bare body from the other’s view. Her hand reached to turn on the warm light on the nightstand and met the face of her wife. It doesn’t take her long before she realised that the problem lies beyond a matter of mood.

“Mai, can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Mai looks at her wife in horror. Growing up, she was never really those who got nightmares. But what’s happening is exactly what she had imagined her nightmares would have been over the last couple of years.

Nanase squeezes her hand, a comforting gesture that somehow makes her feel otherwise. The Empress sighed, realising that she does not have any strength to keep the problem unspoken anymore. If she really wants the best for her wife, giving Nanase everything that she deserves, this truth would be among them.

“Back before we were married, I… I slept with someone else… A couple of times…”

The Empress looked down, eyes focused on their velvety red quilt instead of the one she’s talking to. She was afraid of what her wife will think of her, afraid of what will come.

Ironic is a word to describe how the empress that never look away when giving sentences to her people no matter how big or small, is a coward who could not look at her wife as she waits for the judgement.

“That…” Nanase’s words trailed away. It took her a few more minutes before finally coming to terms with the information. “That doesn’t matter, back then we have never seen each other. It doesn’t matter.”

“It’s not exactly like that,” Mai sighed, she was expecting a burst of anger that she hadn’t planned her next move if her wife is okay with it. However, now that the secret is basically out in the open, she realised that she needs to make it clear. That’s the most appropriate thing to do if she truly wants to move on from the past. “The night before the ceremony. I also did it.”

When she finally dares to look at Nanase, she can see the pregnant woman expression changed from disbelieves to one full of misery.

“You did that even after you boasted to the whole world of how much you can’t wait to stand on the altar, say your vow, and make me yours…” The statement felt like a sharp jab through the ruler’s chest. How Nanase’s voice doesn’t seem anything but pain and sadness make it even worse.

“What else I was supposed to do? The kingdom wants me to…” Mai stopped herself from saying more. Finally forcing herself to meet Nishino’s eyes. It took a bit of time before she can say something. “I should not have done that, any of that. I should have been honest with you. I’m sorry. I really do.”

“Let the past be gone,” Nanase said with a slight nod. Her lips curved into a little smile before turning her back on her. Tidying the pillow before laying down once more. Face looking to the side where Mai could not see. “Good night, my love.”

Shiraishi Mai could not sleep a wink that night. Nanase repeatedly went to the bathroom, soft sobbing can be heard whenever she’s slipping out or back next to her. Yet, she did nothing. She was just there, pretending to be sleeping whenever her wife is next to her, eyes open in worry whenever the woman is not.

Needless to say, their relationship had taken a heavy blow after that night. Nanase changed. The way she would hold her arm when they walk side by side, the kisses on the cheek she usually gives before they parted ways, her love to ask the empress to waltz with her on both public or private occasions. Those are just a couple among many things that she stopped doing.

Before this, Nanase was the kind of person who would challenge her opinion when it is needed. The voice of reason when her new orders are out of line. But now, the young woman will only nod and mention how she will always support her decision no matter what.

Of course, all of that doesn’t sit well with Mai, but because of their coherent lack of communication in private- these are not something that she can think of fixing.

About two months after that time, they paid a visit to Kansai to attend Nanase’s brother coronation ceremony. On that sunny Tuesday morning, on the dark leather seat in the back of the Mercedes Benz 170 that is taking them across the nation back to their own castle- Nanase bleeds.

They lost the baby.

****~ To Be Continued ~****  


	5. Part 4

The white bloodline is strict to the level that one can call extreme. They literally have a thick book of rules to underline how the succession should be. 

This starts with the actual emperor or empress having to produce an heir to inherit the throne. If they can't give an heir, divorcing their current lover is expected and soon enough another marriage with another shinno or shinnohi should be arranged. Even that is also something that made it to the book.

That two rules are not the only thing that she finds ridiculous. There's also another line where the crown empresses shall not be the one who conceives the heir as it will hinder them from performing their duty in their utmost capability. There's another reason which can be paraphrased as: it is harmful to the unborn.

Shiraishi Mai has never been impressed by those kinds of rules in her kingdom, yet she knows that changing the system would mean losing the faith of their people. After all, there was an ancient belief that the first born of the royal bloodlines is descendants of God. Their people believe this is the reason their kingdom could prosper. Because they believe in the kingdom, they're easier to be ruled. This means changing these old rules could shake their kingdom, breaking the empire relation with most of their believer that provides them with sources. Something that needs to be avoided at all cost

_When the blood of the first descendant does not run through their veins, chaos the kingdom will become._

It doesn't make any sense, but that's how their kingdom works from the time it was built. There's always a story that justifies the reasoning behind these rules which she feels were made based on beliefs rather than logic.

On the other hand, their expert was challenged in accommodating the emperors and empresses for this purpose. They discovered a way for them to produce an heir from the same gender pair. The research was meant to be a precaution in a case where the future leader could not find another royal born from the opposite sex to marry, but in a way, it also liberated their leaders from force fornication with people from the sex that they are not sexually attracted to.

Sadly, that doesn't seem to solve the problem that the current empress has to face multiple times.

She said sorry the first time it happened. She has heard that it is painful. The coldness of Nanase's hand and the red stains on the seat of the car were what Mai paid most her attention to as they rushed her wife straight to the nearest hospital. The lingering tears she spots the moment she can finally see her wife was enough to tell her that it must have hurt even more than how the book has described.

The second pregnancy was a surprise as her mother was the one that mixes the vial that would jot her reproduction system to do more than how a normal woman is supposed to be. She had yelled at her mother for driving them into something that they have not prepared for. However, she knows that the former queen means nothing but happiness for her, it's just that the method is not exactly right.

Mai was not even anywhere near Nanase that second time. She was visiting the barracks on the outskirts of the kingdom. 18 hours away with a car plus another 4 spent in a ship. Was not even suspecting that something is wrong the moment the mail pigeon knocks on her temporary room. 

She was too far to know how exactly what happened. All she can think of at that moment is that she needs to go home as soon as possible.

During the long trip back to the castle where her wife is, she feels like getting angry at everything. Herself for not being there, her mother that was the reason the pregnancy happened, and those so-called doctors who were not able to prevent or even predict the miscarriage no matter much they have been keeping Nanase in careful observation.

Once she's back in the brick castle, she kneels next to the bed where her wife lies and apologised. It pained her to see how thin Nanase have become in just within hours. She wants nothing more than to turn the whole situation where they would be happy- like those stories or princes and princesses that she often read to the children in the orphanage, yet she does not have any idea how to do so.

Furthermore, what Nanase said to break the silence after that was far from the current matters.

"That person that you bed before we were married, do you love her?"

It was like seeing her wife waving the white flag, a sign of defeat from the battle that was not even supposed to be there in the first place.

It was like her wife has given up on her.

"No. I have never ever loved her. I love you and I have never been in love with someone the way I do for you." Mai replied truthfully, hands gripping the side frame of the bed. She sighed. Eyes looking sharply at her wife's eyes. She needs Nanase to have faith in her, but she was lost on how to do that. So, she asked, "How could you doubt me? What should I do to prove it to you that you're the only one that I love!?"

Realising that the way she said the last question had been more forceful than what she had intended left her frustrated. Mai quickly left the room after that, spending some time in the study room to calm herself down, she knows that she was nowhere near emotionally stable to continue the conversation. She went out of the room once she feels ready.

However, once she's back in her chamber, she found the bed empty.

Her heart pounds painfully as she dashed to the front door, asking the guard whether her wife has left but the man shook his head. She checked every room that Nanase loves in the castle, every bathroom she passed, even checked the closet to make sure that her wife clothes are still there in the opposite side of hers.

She had slammed a lot of doors, making a lot of commotion, and frightened a lot of workers in the castle before finally one of the maids who know the answer to her question approached her and lead her towards the back garden where Nanase stood. Her wife was throwing a green ball for the castle dog to fetch. Relief runs through her blood as she steps next to the woman.

The sight of Nanase diminished her main intention to obtain the answers that she had demanded earlier. That does not seem to matter to her anymore. All she wants is for Nanase to know how she feels.

"Nanase, I love you. I promise you that you don't need to doubt me about that because I truly have never and will never have any doubts about what I feel for you." The crown empress said when their eyes finally meet. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

Mai realised that the thought of her queen leaving her side frightened her more than anything else ever had.

**~ To Be Continued ~**


	6. Part 5

****

The third miscarriage was enough to tell the empress that something is wrong and she couldn’t help to blame herself for that. It could be stress from the whole environment, lingering doubts that she does not actually love her back, or could be a biological condition that some expert has begun to suspect dwelling inside the Kansai-born blue blood.

When she steps into the chamber that night, her wife is curled up on their bed. Back resting against the beautifully carved bedpost. The way Nanase was not particularly doing anything told her that the younger woman has been expecting her return.

“What’s wrong?” she gently caresses her.

Nanase blinked, giving her a look that is hard to read before leaning more into her touch. “Have you ever think that maybe we’ve tried everything?”

Mai doesn’t need more explanation to understand exactly what her wife is referring to.

“Don’t listen to the doctors, they’re not Gods. They can’t just decide which people can conceive and which could not.” Mai assured. Her mind took her back to the serious talk that they had with a group of so-called best doctors a few days back.

“They weren’t the one who decides that. But they know enough that it’s not something that I will be able to do.”

Mai sighed, her eyes scanned the high ceiling above her. “I don’t need a kid.”

“But your people need a future leader, you need someone to take the throne.” Nanase pointed out the most obvious, earning a grumble of irritation from the Empress. “And I can’t give you that.”

The words lit up the fury inside Mai’s brain, the anxiety that has been building up inside her explode in form of complaint. “And do you think I can just accept anyone?! I have given everything. Yes, everything for my people! All that they could need. The prosper, glory, and power they can be proud of. But they wouldn’t take anyone that I deem worthy to take the throne?! What an ungrateful bunch?!”

“And who would you give your crown to? Your sister? Some children of other royals? You know well that the people wouldn’t take just anyone. They need something from you, Mai! YOU!” Nanase stopped when she realised she had started to shout, trying to control herself for a moment before continuing. “You know that this isn’t something that can be solved with a simple ‘I love you’. You know well that this is more than that.”

“Of course I know. Why would you even say that?”

“When are we going to face that ever since that time our private conversation has become nothing more than nonsense whispers of lust? Both our heads were stuck into giving this country the baby that they have been waiting for. We are too focused on this that the love which supposed to keep us warm is freezing our heart instead, drawing us away from each other when what we are doing is not related to that matter.

The day where you said you love me with all your heart has somehow become the last time I feel like we truly care for each other. Each day feels like you’re going further and further away from my reach.”

“I’m going further away?” Mai feels like laughing her frustration away, thinking that her wife is talking nonsense. “You have no idea how much night I spent asking for pieces of advice from people. How many days wasted talking to a marriage expert behind closed doors, hoping they could give me something that would help our relationship. I’ve done all of that. All so we can be happy. But look at where we are now.”

“Mai, don’t you realise that you still have that look of guilt in your face…” Nanase poured out. Smiling sadly at the one she’s vowed to. She felt like some weight inside her heart lifted after she let that out. She continued.

“There’s no greater wish of mine than to love and receive your love completely. And if this is what you wholeheartedly loving me is like, it would be ungrateful for me to say that it pains me to see you have to feel so. It hurts as much as realising that I couldn’t take the guilt away from you.”

As Nanase goes from a sentence to another, the composed looks the younger girl has done perfectly for years slowly washed away with uncontrollable tears.

After that, it’s like that night all over again. The Kansai born leaving the bed to shut herself inside the bathroom. The sounds of the water pouring from the sink reach the empress- who does nothing but stare at the space on the bed that’s now empty.

They both have been trying to fix the problem in their own way but the result is nothing but them breaking each other even more.

Once her advisor has said that maybe what she needs to do is to share her problem with her wife. However, she was honed with the principle that she should be the one who solves the problem. She shouldn’t burden others with hers as it’s her duty since birth to solve theirs instead. She always finds that idea to be a disgrace for someone in her position to do.

Nanase of Kansai is worth falling from grace. For her, she would do anything. Anything just so she can truly find her happiness.

Mai slowly leaves the bed, heading towards the door and turn the knob. Not saying anything before pushing the door forward, finding Nanase there, staring at her reflection from the mirror before moving to her wife’s.

The empress comes closer, putting both hands on her wife slender waist, turning her gently to face her before using her thumb to wipe away the tears on the soft cheek.

“That person that I used to bed… I ruined her life. Because of me… I sent her away, separating her from her family. Because of me, she lost them forever.” She admitted. “And I couldn’t help to think that I would ruin yours even more because I already do. I have caused you so much pain. It scares me. I’m scared that I will eventually break you.”

“No, you wouldn’t” Nanase shook her head. “You wouldn’t. I know you, Shiraishi Mai. You wouldn’t… Our problem, they will figure it out. I’m sure they will… They’re the best in their field after all, so I’m sure.”

“Nanase, I’m willing to take any option if it means I won’t be losing you. However, every time that doesn’t work, you are always going to be the one who will be hurting the most. I’m not su-”

“It’s fine. I will be fine. Marrying you is my choice.” Nanase cuts her sentence and meets her gaze. “I could have run away back when I was young, but I didn’t. I chose you and I still do.”

She pulled Nanase into a hug, letting the woman press her forehead against the top of her shoulder.

“I’ll make sure that they figure out a way for us. I’ll make sure that it’s going to be okay.” Mai declared as she pressed her lips on top of Nanase’s head.

That words were meant to be an encouragement for the one in her arms, yet as she keeps repeating it from time to time it starting to sound like she’s trying to cloud her own situation with a wish that will never come true.

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	7. Part 6

When they decided to go forward with the surrogate mother option, the empress was aware that there will be too many people involved for them to be able to keep everything under the blanket. From her early days, she hates it when her life becomes a juicy gossip. Most of the times, that kind of talk would lead to many things that are far from the truth. To avoid that, she made an official public statement, standing behind the podium in front of the glorious palace, her wife standing among the line-up of important attendees behind her. Her voice was loud and clear as she explained that they have been struggling and assure the people that a group of best specialists are helping them to solve the matters.

Within hours, it seems like everyone and their mothers have nothing to talk about other than the infertility of their queen. But at least it seems to be working, everyone leaving them to their own devices and no one dares to bring the topic up to the table as they’re already aware of the answer as that wouldn't give them anything. Mai already promised that she will make another announcement if something happened- good or bad.

After a few months passed, their anxiety peaked. That with a new addition of some radical movement demanding her to step down, the empress has grown restless. However, lately, those not so friendly aggression seems to be less a trouble than what has been happening right in front of her eyes. A couple of times Mai had found a shinnohi boldly offering herself to be hers. Politician offering their daughters. Even a maid at the palace has tried to lure the empress with homegrown wine in hope that she would bed her.

People are making the use of her problem for their own gain, this is something that she shouldn’t be surprised with. Still, rejecting people in weekly basis mess with her mental state. Often, she had gone out of line by yelling at them, calling them horrible names before they could even dash towards the exit with shame.

But among those horrible attempts what irks Mai the most is the rumours and gossips that surrounds the high ceilings of the palace. She often catches how the workers looked at Nanase, faces clear that they were just laughing at something a seconds ago. It’s not like Mai has something against her people being happy or throwing a joke here and there. But laughing upon her wife misfortune is something that she can’t condone.

One day she accidentally heard it loud and clear. 

“It’s just I really thought that she really was perfect you know. Those kindness and beauty within, but oh well God probably spilled that fertility water somewhere else.”

A laugh followed the man statement. It took the other woman a few seconds before finally giving a response. “Probably she had it exchanged it for the success of one of her charity projects. You know, making deal with the devil or some sort? I mean I always wonder how one could be that good without being actual white blood.”

Hearing their snickers lit the anger inside Mai and the empress could not take it anymore. She stepped out from the quarter where she’s in, slamming the door wide open. The sounds were loud enough to make the pair jumped in surprise.

There are two of them, a cleaning lady and the royal guard of the palace that is supposed to be patrolling the building.

“What did you say!?”

Both of them quickly bowed her stiff greetings, foot ready to sprint away when Mai called out to them.

“Who said the two of you are dismissed?”

The pair slowly turned around, eyes on the floor instead of meeting the Empress furious one. She can see the woman starting to tremble from fear.

“We’re sorry your majesty, we didn’t think… that…” The man explanation was a failure, his mouth still fumbling even when his voice can’t be heard anymore.

“What? That I would be listening? Is that what you’re going to say!? So, YOU think that it’s okay for a person to bad mouth someone as long the person concerned are not around to hear that. Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Answer me, IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY?” She shouted when she got no response from neither. “You know what, I’m sure there are people out there wishing that they could work inside the palace to serve me directly and not a second will they even think to disrespect my wife. I don’t see any reason why I require the assistance of two people that are a complete opposite of that.”

“I’m sorry,” the woman started to beg, before kneeling on the ground. Face kissing the floor beneath them. The man followed suit afterwards. “Please, I wouldn’t do it anymore. I truly am sorry. Please…”

Lately, her days have been what one would have described as shitty, especially when the expert that she was tasked to give her daily updates on the surrogate pregnancy always came with heads down and an apology.

And somehow these two people are also becoming an additional problem for her. Getting on her nerve with their lack of respect.

If it wasn’t for a hand who suddenly lingers on her shoulder, the ruler would have kicked their face out of spite, she did that a couple of days before to a murderer who was asking for mercy and she couldn’t see a reason why she shouldn’t do it to the people in front of her.

“Your Highness…” Her advisor squeezes her shoulder to calm her. Despite her monotonous tone, Mai knows well that she is giving her warnings.

Shiraishi Mai takes a deep breath, nodding slightly to confirm that she’s going to handle the matter in a way that people expect her to. “I don’t require your services anymore and from now on there will be a security measure to make sure you shall not step foot in the palace or come anywhere near my wife. If I ever see your face around after today day ends, I will not hesitate to cut those tongue of yours with my own hands. You are dismissed.”

The two workers look up to meet her face, the man gave her this pleading look which looks a bit strange on his muscular build. “Your majesty, please, I need my job. My wife is pregnant with our fourth child and I am the only source of income in the family. Please… For my children…”

Mai clenched her fists, feeling grateful for all the training to control her emotion that she had gotten from her early age. Because it took all her might not to throw him a punch along with a series of bad words that she forbids herself to use.

Is that the reason why he’s looking down at her wife? Because he could not relate to such a problem? 

People who laughed at others misfortune just because they never faced such problem is suddenly something that she feels should be punishable.

“Scram before I started to curse upon your unborn.” Mai spat, turning her back on them, giving her advisor a look before continuing, “Hashimoto-san, please make sure these two know how to find the exit and deliver me the replacement candidate details for the vacant positions as soon as possible.”

That day, the ruler curses her ancestors deep inside her heart. If they really are the Gods or there's One to help her path of life, why couldn’t they bless her with a child and take away the rights from those people? The questions clouded her mind, turning her from heading back to her quarters and lead her to the palace yard instead.

She has never been good at archery, it was even a miracle that she was able to shoot the arrow to graze the ring on her crown day. Yet lately she found herself coming to the field more often, pouring all her emotion into her shots as if her problem will go as quick as how quick she can empty the quivers.

Most of the arrows she shot does not hit the target.

Usually, that would irk her to the point of leaving the yard. However, that day, she doesn’t. Even when her upper arm starting cramp and grown stiff. She keeps on launching those pointy arrows. At that point, it was more of her trying to pull the string as far as she can and redo it as fast as she’s capable of rather than focusing on the target.

She was too angry to stop.

Not until her wife slender fingers gently rest on her arms that she finally put down the curved bow.

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	8. Part 7

Love comes with challenges. When that happens either one will fall out of it or fall deeper into it. For her is the latter. Their situation has taught her to appreciate little things about her wife. Like the way, her lips curled into a subtle smile as she strolled along the palace garden to feed pigeons. The serene morning that sometimes disturbed by the dog waking them up with a sloppy lick on their face. Bursts of laughter out of her lips because of Mai cheesy joke.

But that happy moments aside, she feels grateful with how hard her wife has been trying to stay by her side. What Nanase has done goes far beyond simple declaration of love, which she started to feel unnecessary as the time goes. This is about how Nanase never commented about the unwanted advances the empress has been getting. Because she believes and trusts Mai will never accept that. This is also about there was not even a day Nanase had ever shown her disappointment towards the doctors that have been trying to help them to finally have an heir. Every day they will come baring negative results and every day Nanase would smile and say that maybe today is not the day. It’s about how Nanase never put a blame on anyone for what they have been through.

How is it possible that she finds her queen perfect but no one else does?

Silently she scanned through the paper on the table in front of her, making sure everything is done before giving a long exhale and move the tip of the pen across the white surface. Her assistant promptly collects the document once she puts the golden pen down. Bowing to bid goodnight to her and the one next to her.

When the door is finally closed, Mai glanced at Nanase. The woman tired eyes are still on the table in front of them, seemingly lost in thought. Mai clear her throat to gain the woman attention.

“Nanase, would you like someone to prepare you another room?”

“No, I mean…” The woman looks conflicted, lips quivering before giving her a question instead. “Would you mind if I stay here for the last time?”

“Not at all,” Mai said. Eyeing the ring on the table. A sign of their vow to each other that is now annulled. She enveloped Nanase’s right hand with hers, finding there’s something off with it when the diamond that has always been around the finger for years is not there. “Please do. I would love that.”

They had come to the decision just this morning. Nothing was wrong, no fight, arguments, or any disagreement. It was a normal nice sunny day. A bit of disappointment from hearing the same news that they have heard over and over again. Then, it’s like everything just clicks into place. 

The time has come for them to finally part.

The empress rights to rule come with the necessity to put everything after the fate of the kingdom, even the love of her life. Even if she wants to ignore her duty, it still will be cruel of her to keep her wife next to her. With people silently pitying their luck and another attempting to seduce the one with the throne.

Nanase of Kansai does not deserve her. The 26 years old deserves so much more. Happiness and freedom from those who ridicule her. Another love that can make up all the pain she had felt from repeatedly losing her unborn.

That day, the empress learn that love is more than just that fluttering feelings in her stomach at the sight of someone. More than the gut-wrenching pain she felt when this person is sad. Love is about wanting the best for that person.

Even when their best does not include her anymore.

She had no idea when she had started to cry, something that she rarely does. She was raised to be strong, to put a well composed and neutral face when facing a hard situation. The trait of a true ruler. The embodiments of the motto of their country.

But there she was sobbing uncontrollably. Something she hasn’t done since that time she felt humiliated from not being able to ride a horse properly. That 7 years old girl now lives inside her, a ruler respected by many, but still cries from a heartbreak.

Nanase pulled her closer, taking her hands away from her face so she can look at her face. Smiling softly as she uses a handkerchief from her pocket to wipe the tears from her face. Her mouth gently makes shushing sounds to comfort the ruler.

Mai was about to apologise again when she sees the woman shaking her head, a gesture to tell her that it’s not needed. How many times Mai has said the word? That one time when she told her the truth, every time they lost a baby, at the end of their arguments, and also those nights when she found Nanase awake- tears glimmering on her face because of their misfortune.

It seems like no matter how many times Mai says the words won’t make up the pain she had caused.

In the woman's embrace, she pours out her frustration. Her tears seem to be never-ending as Nanase gently run her fingers along her back. Lips lightly pressed onto the side of her face.

“It’s okay. You will be okay.” The younger one keeps repeating the words. Hoping it will help her to pick up the broken pieces.

It took all of her to finally let go of Nanase embrace and heads to the bathroom. Wincing at how puffy her eyes look in the mirror as she washes her face. Her heart racing when she came back to the room, afraid that she will find it empty.

Nanase was still there, eyes observing the bookshelves they have in one corner. Probably looking for something to read before going to bed, a habit that the woman has picked on ever since she was young. Mai left the woman once more to heads into their closet. Taking out a small box from one of the drawers. Something she had bought to commemorate their 7 years together- a celebration that will never be held.

When Mai comes back to the main chamber, Nanase eyes are observing her in curiosity- completely abandoning the opened book on her lap. Her gaze softens when Mai held out the velvety blue box in front of her. A hand opening the box to reveal what’s inside.

“This is for you.”

It took Nanase several seconds to gather the courage to hold out her hand and take the box into her hand. Her lips curled into a smile when she made out the shape of it. A necklace with a beautifully crafted Pigeon in the centre. The common bird that Mai find to be rather boring, but somehow Nanase loves so much. “It’s beautiful.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

Nanase uses a finger to gently trace the white gold. It was not the most expensive things Mai has ever bought her, but the way Nanase picks it up in a careful way makes it seems like it’s the most precious of them all. “Can you please help me put it on?”

Mai nodded. Doing as the other wish she links the ends of the necklace at the back of Nanase’s neck before leaving it to rest on the skin. Smiling a bit when she noticed how the simplicity of the design seems to compliment Nanase features even more. Beautiful but not overbearing.

“Thank you.”

She wasn’t able to respond because Nanase has already pulled her into a kiss. A chaste one where her lips gently lie on top of hers for seconds before finally letting go. The smile is still on her lips as they held each other gaze once more.

After that, they went to sleep like how they have been doing over the past couple of months. Facing each other with her arm protectively secures Nanase’s waist. She stayed awake until Nanase sleeps. It wasn’t her intention but for some reason, her eyes were not in the mood to closed themselves despite the rather tiring day.

So she stays like that for a while. Observing the beautiful face of her love as her mind took her back to days where it feels like everything is going to be okay for both of them.

The empress had no idea how many hours have passed when her eyes finally getting heavier, finally pulling her into slumber. It was like she accidentally fell asleep and wake up a second later- restless and stiff. But she noticed the sunlight behind the curtain, a confirmation that she has definitely fallen into hours of sleep. When she rubbed her eyes, she caught the sight of pillows rested neatly against the bedframe. As she checks the clock on the bedside table, she noted the absence of the necklace box that was just there the night before. 

Upon _her_ departure, the bed feels cold despite the steady fire that warms the room.

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	9. Part 8

People always associated the word "widow" with bitterness, always look upon it like it's a pitiful fate that one has to walk through. Never she thought she will be the real example of brooding widow until she becomes one herself. The main problem is not because she's still hung up on Nanase, even though it's true that she still loves her and there's never a moment where she doesn't miss her. However, the root of her annoyance is the people around her who seem have nothing else to do rather than suggesting a candidate of her next partner.

Don't get her wrong, it's not like she doesn't know the importance of her having a successor. But over the past couple of months, she feels like a soon to be extinct species. Her life has become a conservation project, with her being the one that needs to be put in a golden cage as people rushing to find her new person to bond with.

She read through the paper in front of her, in particular, that one sentence which concludes the whole report. She doesn't understand the scientific numbers nor she understands all those various medical terms that can be found in almost every sentence. However, the last sentence is clear, something that even people with no education at all can understand properly.

"Your majesty, Yoshida-san of Britain, would like to seek your audience."

The sound of the guard behind the door break her out of contemplation, she quickly put the paper beneath a stack of the unrelated document before shouting her approval for the newcomer to come inside.

"I'm not really Yoshida-san of Britain though, Britain has their own ruler and I am just a mere diplomat to connect our two countries. Good evening, your highness."

"This is a rather unexpected visit..." Mai nodded at the woman, "Anything I can help you with, Yoshida-san?"

Yoshida Ayano Christie is a shinnohi that was raised in the kingdom of Britain. Her father was their Kingdom official ambassador for the foreign nation and have been living in the said country ever since he's given the task. Ayano herself is a well-spoken young woman, who becomes quite the talk when she proved herself to be the best choice for her current position, beating the other candidates that are at least 10 years older than her. Her fluency in diplomacy and international affairs is her ultimate pawn.

As of late, there has been a circulating rumour that this woman will be one of few names in the pool of the next foreign minister seat of the empire. However, as Shiraishi Mai herself trusts the other ministers to nominate the names for her to choose, she can't guarantee the authenticity of that talk.

In another way of thinking, Ayano is also one of those seemingly perfect women that people expect her to wed. Mai couldn't really say that their reasoning is illogical, she knows well that the girl is wonderful. However, a paper that now lies in the bottom of the document stack in front of her just told her that the problem lies in the empress herself rather than her former partner. Which means, no matter who she wed won't change the situation.

"Your Highness, lately I found myself wondering," the younger one started, her words were carefully chosen. She took Mai hands with hers, kneeling on the soft carpet with eyes looking up to the ruler. "Have I been a great representative in your favour?"

"It's no doubt that you are one of the best I have, Ayano-san," Mai admitted. "But if I'm reading you correctly. The words you are about to say next. I'm not quite sure that's what you actually want."

The woman gulped, eyes looking down now. The Empress can see the shame from her gestures. However, for the diplomat, she has come too far to stop. She needs to say it now or this visit will become nothing but an embarrassment.

"My Lady, it would be my greatest honour to dedicate my life to you. To be on your side as someone more than what I am now."

Mai gently retracted her hands, placing her right to the girl's shoulder instead.

The current situation is rather pitiful. Mai knows that Ayano has always been close to Mai's sister and not until recently the girl has ever shown any interests toward the Empress. She regards Mai highly, but that's just appropriate respect to her ruler, nothing more. 

Mai has heard about how much Ayano's mother is one that craves social standing and it's not hard to see that Ayano is the kind of daughter that will do everything to make her parents happy. Even if it means leaving the one that has been with her for someone else that she barely knows.

That doesn't escape Mai observation. How recently her sister has been gloomier. A look of disappointment mixed with sadness whenever Ayano's name suddenly brought up to the table. She has also seen how Ayano will still guilty glances whenever she passes Minami.

The one with the crown is better than those with none.

That might be true for the Emperors and Empresses before her, but not her. Not Shiraishi Mai.

"Ayano-san, I'm not fit to be your spouse, nor I fit to be anyone else's," Mai said. "No matter who is the one next to me, I won't be able to give them a biological child. What kind of person would I be if I took the person dearest to my sister to go through such pain?"

It wasn't her intention to have Ayano to be the first person to know about the truth. However, her curse has brought pain and misery to people and Mai won't let it go any further. This is the least she can do.

"Your Highness, I'm sorry to hear that," Ayano responded, her expression is now an odd mix of relief and concern.

"It's not your fault. You don't need to be sorry," Mai waved her off before continuing. "I am certain that the person inside your heart is not me and I don't think it will ever be. But who knows, perhaps I'm just not the Shiraishi that you're looking for."

The woman nodded bashfully, before bidding farewell and leave the room. Mai couldn't help but smile seeing that, she knows the girl is finally free to follow her heart and that was enough to make the empress feel like she's not much of a lost cause. She knows that she has done what is right and she trust Ayano to keep their conversation a secret.

Her mind took her to the task in hand, considering her options before her fingers landed on an empty paper on the table.

Unless in a military sensitive region where the chance of enemy spy is high- a letter has always been more of a formal thing ever since someone from far west has discovered telephone. However, she doubts that she will be able to keep her voice calm and steady if she hears the sound of her former lover on the other side. So that night, Shiraishi Mai writes.

And as she writes, her mind took her to what she's going to do with the information. Should she reveal it to the public? If so how? She needs to measure the effect properly before taking any action. There's also another urgent matter about the group that seeks to overthrow her position.

Everything seems to click into place when she neatly folded the letter and put it in a white envelope. Sealing the lid after writing the intended recipient name in the front side. She sighed, feeling a bit sad that the letter might be the last contact she will ever have with the one in her heart.

Her time might be coming to an end, but at least, she can give the one she loves a chance to start over.

**~ To Be Continued ~**


	10. Part 9

Life is filled with turning points. Like getting married, having miscarriages, breaking the said marriage. Those are just a few examples of things that would cause a big change in someone’s life. For her, all of those happens in her twenties, the age frame in which she is still within.

Honestly having so many things happened in such a short timeframe is exhausting. And the way it drags her to the centre of the unwanted spotlight makes it even worse.

This is the reason why she wouldn’t try her luck with another person no matter how many love letters or invitation she had gotten. She’s just simply too tired that solitude has become something that comforts her the most.

There’s another reason though, one she has never admitted out loud ever since she moved out of the capital. Yet this reason should be so obvious that she wonders how come there are people who have a slight idea that she’s ready to start a new chapter in her ruined life.

A lot of times, she wonders about how she spent her time before she met the Empress. How come back then she found dressing up to be fun? Lending her hand to help others is enjoyable? Having the people to say her name with praises and gratitude as something so filling?

Her wandering mind aside, that night was the time when summer already ends but the cool autumn breeze has yet to come. It was one of the good one. The sky was clear, stars were visible, and rain hasn’t visited the country over the past couple of days.

This is the kind of night where Nishino Nanase of Kansai would sleep like a log, curled up on her bed comfortably like a newborn, waking up only when her parents realised she hasn’t left the room even though the sun has risen up high.

Well, that night turns out to be far from good and it all started when she felt someone trying to shake her awake.

“M’lady… M’lady…” That’s how the voice called her.

Even before this whole divorce depression thing, Nanase was never a morning person. She finds it too hard to open her eyes unless the ray of the sun is there to help her. Of course, the brooding routine that she had picked up ever since she moved back into the palace of her parents only help to make the habit worse.

However, this person was persistent. Giving her no choice but to finally leave her peaceful sleep and open her eyes with a low grumble of annoyance.

“This isn’t even morning yet…” she said with a warning tone when she noticed the dark sky behind the room curtain.

Her personal servant bowed deeply, her face matches the apologetic gesture. “Please pardon my intrusion but we just got urgent news from the imperial castle.”

Nanase eyebrows furrowed, couldn’t comprehend why would there is any news from them in the dead of the night. “What news?”

“The imperial castle is on fire, M’lady.”

Nanase eyes widened, her feet quickly took her to the end of the room where a phone stood on the table. Turning the circles around the numbers to dial the line that she has somehow remember despite never actually calling it. Her maid turned on the television in the other corner. A rough image of the castle appears on the first channel it connects too. The black and white footage was mostly dark from the smoke around the building.

She comes closer to the screen, trying to comprehend the words that the imperial guard official is saying to the camera.

Her hand raised up to silence her own scream of anguish when the rollout text finally appears on the screen, displaying the information that she fears the most.

Nanase used to cry a lot but as time goes she thought she has gotten stronger. She wanted to be stronger. Especially because back then, she stood on the side of the strongest woman of the country, which turns out to be very fragile.

For a while, she did become this figure of heart made of steel person she longs for. She didn’t cry when they make the mutual decision to break the marriages nor she shed a tear that morning she had kissed her sleeping ex-wife on the forehead for the last time.

Yet just like that, after a few hard months, Nanase is back like the old weak self that she despises. Weeping in front of the screen, hands clenched on her chest as if that will help to suppress the immense pain coming from deep inside.

Her parents had come inside her bedroom soon after, her mom pulling her in a hug that doesn’t comfort her from the sudden cold. Her father gently pats her shoulder from the back, seemingly frustrated because he is not able to protect his daughter for her pain.

It must have been quite a while until she finally calmed down, starting to have more trouble to stop the hiccup rather than the tears. Her father finally asked her if she would like to visit the imperial castle, quickly adding in the end that he understands if she chose not to come at all.

Coming to the capital means putting herself in the country pity stage once more, inviting them to shine the nerve-wracking spotlight on her.

As much as she hates being the centre of people empty words of sympathy, she knows that Mai would want her to be there- even though the empress wouldn’t admit it. To add to that, personally, Nanase herself want to be there. She needs to see Mai for the last time even though it’s more likely that this person she holds dear would not be more than an empty shell of what used to be a glorious leader.

“When is the earliest I can go?” she asked her father.

The earliest turns out to be not that early because for a day the capital was in lockdown. The soldier going house to house on a hunt for people who were involved in the massive fire incident. There was no going in or out. However, by the end of the day, Shiraishi Minami- Mai’s younger sister- stood on the podium to announce that they have apprehended all the culprits and the gates will be opened by the next morning for the empress funeral ceremony.

Nanase has made her choice to come and so she goes- walking past the other mourners with her parents and brother in tow. Ignoring the whispers and look that other people is throwing at her. Keeping her head down from the blinding camera flashlight as she climbs the stairs of the imperial temple, not looking anywhere but the centre where the dark casket is laid on a marble stand, a picture of Mai in her coronation day stood in front of it.

Her parents and her brother did their parting bow and prayer before taking a seat that has been reserved for them. However, Nanase still there, standing still.

“I wanted to see her,” Nanase spoke up to the priest who stood in the opposite side of her. But the man shook his head.

“Shinnohi-sama, we understand why you would like to see her. However, naishinno-sama has given us a direct order to never open the casket.”

Nanase sighed, turning her vision around before it meets the person who is mentioned. The tall girl that is basically a splitting image of Mai.

Minami was caressing a crying woman cheek in a comforting manner, her lips mouthed something that Nanase couldn’t hear because of their distance. Nanase was about to awkwardly approach her when the woman realised that she has been trying to get her attention.

The naishinno whispers something to her companion ear, the woman steals glances at Nanase as the taller one leave her side to go to Nanase’s.

“Nanase-san, thank you for coming.” She said with a bow. Her voice calm and collected, completely taking the whole situation better than the rest of her family and closest friends.

Nanase followed the gesture, “Minami-san, if I may, I would like to see her for the last time… Please…”

It took Minami a while to finally nodded and gave an order for two guards to let Nanase have a look.

“I would have to remind you, it’s not exactly a pretty sight of her,” the soon to be empress stopped Nanase for a moment before she finally let go, stepping a few steps back so the mourning Kansai princess can have her moment.

In her life, Nanase has seen the aftermath of a tragedy far too many times that it has stopped giving her nightmares. Be it the war veterans she had visited, the victims of natural disaster in their country, or some other people that encountered something that physically destroyed them forever.

However, this time is different. The well-known milky white skin is no more, only the colour of ash covers the woman from head to toe. The face, oh the beautiful face that she always thinks to be so divine is now unrecognisable, fully burnt to the point of her having a hard time to spot the eyelids.

This time is different because Nanase is in love with the person. This unnecessary reminder itself has done its job to rip her heart apart, numbing her other senses instead of that one part where it hurts the most. For a while, Nanase stood frozen, her eyes scanned every inch of the figure. She was looking for anything that she can cherish for the last time.

But there is none.

Nanase closes her eyes, trying to fight the tears making their way out. She has made a silent promise that she would never cry in front of Mai ever again and she wanted to keep that promise even now. But the sight was enough to make her body feels weightless to the point where she needs to hold on to the edge of the casket to keep herself steady.

Her left hand raised up to feel the necklace hung on her neck, the last gift she has ever gotten from the person before her. A reminder of the love Mai has for her but also the tragic fate that comes with it.

Knowing that her time wouldn’t be long, she started to speak.

“Hi um… I never had a chance to say goodbye to you while you’re awake… To tell the truth, that was my biggest mistake. One that I always thought I would fix someday but now I realised I have lost all my chances. I hope you can forgive me.” 

She leaned down slightly so she can say the words soft enough that only the two of them would hear. 

“If another chance of life truly exists, may ours intertwine once more. Mai, I love you. Goodbye.”

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	11. Part 10

About a few months after the passing of Shiraishi Mai, she had decided to limit herself to purposely visit the final resting place of her love once a year. Not on Mai birthday nor on the day where Mai draws her last breath, but rather on the anniversary of their marriage.

Their day. The day that binds the two of them together.

The supposed to be 10th anniversary was no different. The imperial palace seemingly having to notice the pattern of her visit was more than welcoming towards her, even to the point of offering her to stay in the room that she had shared with the one who got away. She found herself saying yes within a heartbeat upon the offer, surprising herself as she has been trying to pretty much stay away for everything that reminds her of Mai.

However, she found herself regretting that decision once she stared at the high ceiling of the dark room in the dead of the night. This is not because the room is haunted, the ghost in the room does not take the presence of Mai, but rather the memories they had shared. And if someone asked, she would answer that she really was hoping to see Mai’s ghost instead.

Nishino Nanase turned to her side, fingers making its way to the white envelope on the top of the bedside table. Her gateway to finally sail off the country.

_Is she really leaving everything behind?_

Her mind repeats the question for maybe the hundredth time of the day if not more.

However, every time she looks around it feels like everything that is familiar to her does not offer her the same comfort as it used to. As time goes, her heart aches for comfort, one that her current living arrangements do not seem to be able to give her anymore.

A fresh start is really what she needs.

As she pushes the thought to the back of her mind, she remembered the conversation she had a few hours ago with the current Empress. Minami- the youngest of the direct line which stood taller than the most women of the country, a trait that makes her looks like a force to reckon with, even more of a ferocious leader than what Mai once was. Nanase found her be quite the polar opposite of Mai yet still reminds her so much of the person. They shared stories, fond memories of the person that she loves. Among them is something from Mai teenage years where the deceased empress used to love to go on a trip to the land an hour northeast away from where she stood.

Nanase hasn’t heard anything about it before and that is expected as Mai was the kind of person who does not like to talk about the past. But this fuel the curiosity inside, driving her to finally slipped out from the bed, shoving the envelope inside the drawer and pulled out one of Mai’s coat from the closet. Her steps light and cautious as she somehow made her way outside the castle unseen- a task that she finds to be easier than it seems because of the time she has spent living in the very same building a few years back.

Considering her zero ability to drive a car, her options are limited. Well, her foot led her to the stable, where she found Snowflakes, a horse that once belonged to Mai which ironically doesn’t have an inch of white spots on its body.

Her heart almost jumped out from her chest when the palace dog found her trying to strap the saddle on the horse. She thought he would bark at her. But the Akita breed was just looking at her with an expectant look. As if knowing what the animal is thinking, Nanase nodded in approval.

“Okay, you can come too.”

It was past midnight when she finally reaches the place. A big tree located on high land, a messy carving of characters forming Mai’s name on wood is a signal that she got it correct. Nanase traces the writing, smiling a little when she realised that it came from long before she had even met the person. A time where all she knows about her is from the news and stories she has heard from others.

It was so strange that back on those days she had practically fallen in love with this perfect figure of a future ruler people always associated Mai with. She found this to be far from the truth when they finally tied the knot. Yet, somehow the imperfections of Mai are what make her loves the woman the most.

She quickly turned around when she heard the dog barking, finding someone with a lantern coming closer towards her.

When the dog tackled the person to the ground, she had expected a scream of pain, the sight of the dog biting off body parts just like how he is trained to. But instead, she heard a low chuckle that’s strangely familiar, the dog whimpers cheekily as he licked off the face of the newcomer.

“Ace!” Nanase called out, hoping it would snap the dog out of the uncharacteristic playful state and help to put more distance between her and the newcomer. Yet it doesn’t work, the golden dog only took a few stepped back and release the newcomer from their weight. Not even a single hostile movement from his large body. This turns of events are looking bad for the Shinnohi safety, but she tried to stay calm as her eyes contemplate on the path she needs to take to reach the horse and run.

The newcomer finally straightened their position, quickly pulling up the hood that had fallen to their shoulder to cover their head once more before giving Nanase a bow. “Shinnohi-sama… my deepest apology for startling you.”

The female voice is deep and foreign, intensifying her mysterious aura even more.

Nanase nodded as she slowly circles her way around the person to reach the horse. Her eyes trying to make out the features of the one bowing yet failed because of the hood and the lack of proper lighting in the area. The way the person speaks with low deep tone sounds even more strange. “May I know your name?”

“Miyaji… Miyaji Maharu, your highness.” She answered with another bow. “I know this is rude of me, but please leave my land. I am in no condition to serve a guest like you and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you either. This area isn’t exactly the safest, especially in the dead of the night.”

“Fine, I will… Sorry for the intrusion.” Nanase sighed, her eyes moved to Ace which is still merrily making a friendly circle around the other person.

Nanase takes a step closer to the woman as she needs to reach Snowflakes, which is grazing in the area behind the person. She noticed that Maharu always took a few steps back to keep their distance far enough, a suspicious move for someone that doesn’t even show their face.

“Miyaji-san, can you please pull down your hood, so I can see your face?”

“Your Highness, I’m sorry but that’s something I can’t do. My… Appearance isn’t exactly pleasing. To have someone like you to see it’s j-”

“Do it, it’s an order!” Nanase cut the person sentence curtly. Using her standings to get what she wants has never sat well with her, in fact, it’s something she rarely does. But that night, she is sure that she needs to know considering how shady the person is looking and acting which does not fare well with her safety.

The poor farmer probably realised the trouble that could await her if she says no. Maharu nodded, her fingers are shaking as it grips the back of the hood to pull it down, revealing a smooth straight hair that reflects the moonshine beautifully, yet the face looking back at her is full of scars, dry red with a rough texture, eyes looking down below the grass in shame.

That sight is enough to make the Kansai princess wince.

However, there’s no mistaking it, even with the marks and the distinct lack of colour in one of their eyes, Nishino Nanase knows the real identity of the one standing before her. She stepped closer, taking in the appearance of the person that she still holds dear in her heart.

Her mouth whispers the woman real name.

“Mai…”

****~ To Be Continued ~** **


	12. Part 11

"Shinnohi-sama, you're mistaken..." The person in front of her quivered, almost stumbled when her feet move a step back to put some more distance between them.

"Can you please just stop!" Nanase snapped. Stepping even closer to the person, both of her hands are on the sides, balling her fists to keep herself from breaking down and started to cry out the names. "Please I... I know it's you... I know you... Mai, please..."

Finally, the person stops, looking back at Nanase with a sharp look but at least letting her be in a reaching distance away once more. Nanase, raised her hand, almost cupping the face of the one she loves, holding herself back from touching it. "Does it hurt?"

"This? No, it's fine..." the woman's voice is now different, it's back exactly the way that it used to be.

The response was enough for Nanase to braced herself and softly grazed her fingers on the skin. Her eyebrows furrowed when she found the texture of the scars to be rather weird. She quickly retracted her hand when one of the rough looking ones took her by surprise and she found a piece of the scar is now on her palm.

She thought that was because Ace over friendly action when he saw his master again. Nanase took out a handkerchief from her riding pants pocket, saying nothing before gently dabbing the face in front of her with it. "Let me know if it hurts."

The other girl doesn't make any attempt to stop her. Instead, she looks at Nanase with a look of sadness.

Nanase realised something is not quite right when she found the colours of the scars moved to the white handkerchief, leaving a part of the skin that the fabric has touched spotless. Nanase gave the person a sharp look as she raised the cloth that has turned dark coloured. "Makeup?"

She can hear Mai loud exhale, giving her a nod as she finally meets her eyes. The former empress snatched the fabric from Nanase's hand, quickly rubbing it around her face to reveal a perfect skin.

"I'm all right, okay? I'm fine, perfectly healthy, nothing to worry about. So, please... Just... Nanase, please go..."

The way the former empress asked her to go is not harsh, but it still feels like there are sharp knives that come with it. That alone is enough to break her heart into pieces. Ripping it apart just how it was like that day when she thought the person has truly gone.

"Look at me in the eye and tell me that you don't love me anymore and I'll go." She ordered. "Tell me that there's never a minute in your day where you wished we are still together..."

Their eyes clashed for several minutes. She can see how her expression changed, from stern to anger, from anger to one where it seems like she has lost all the hopes. Nanase lips quivered, trying to repeat the words she has said but nothing came out from her mouth.

"Listen... I can never go back there because my time is over, and it is my very interest to keep it this way. Meanwhile, you still have so much laid out in front of you. The plans and dreams of yours will definitely help the people of this country, I never had any doubts that you can do that. Even if they look impossible, you might be the one who can make it possible.

Love will come again for you someday, it might take time, but I am sure someday it will and whoever that might be they would be a better spouse than I could ever be."

"I don't need any of that.... I don't want them..." Nanase mouthed, almost inaudible. "I want you..."

"How exactly that could happen, my lady?" Mai asked with a sharp tone. The honorific sounds like a mock in her ears. "How exactly are you going to disappear without having the entire country holding out a search party? How exactly are you going to be with me without having everyone notice that Miyaji Maharu resembles their former empress a lot- in fact, she still is Shiraishi Mai, hiding behind a terrible make-up that would make anyone flinch in disgust? What would happen if they knew that their kingdom is used to be ruled by a coward who would rather shame herself than stand on her rightful throne? How long do I have until you realise that you want more than what I can provide for you? What happens when you wake up one day and realised it's not the kind of future that you wanted?"

Nanase was never one to put up with arguments, the only time she would argue is whenever she's in the country council meeting and they started to speak nonsense that would do the opposite of helping their people.

What Mai is saying make complete sense. She knows how much people need to stick to the belief that their former empress has passed. A way to keep the separatism group at bay and the current empress to continue implementing their new government system. She also knows the danger that haunts Mai if people find out about her current wellbeing.

However, Nanase current plan might be a way for them to finally be together.

"Mai I'm leaving." She told her.

"..... Right, you should." She nodded, taking a step away from her as if giving her the way.

"I wasn't referring to that," Nanase took a deep breath. "I'm leaving the country behind and basically most of the things that I gain since birth. The duty, status, all of my future plan as a Shinnohi. There's a ship leaving the capital dock tomorrow night and I will come aboard it. My ticket would let me disembark in any of the ports it will visit and even now I still don't know where exactly I would decide to settle. I guess I'm just going to see wherever my feet guide me to."

"You want to start anew." Mai's face turns into a sad one, eyes looking at her in disbelieves. "Why?"

"My whole life changed the moment I took my vow to be in your side forever, it also turned upside down the moment I broke it. My future plan can be done by anyone as long as they set their heart to. Yet my happiness is something that I can't seem to achieve here. My duty is nothing but just a tiring work now, my heart is not there anymore. So, I realised that maybe it's time for me to leave."

Her hands lightly go up to caress Mai's face. Smiling in gratitude when she is sure that all of those burn marks and scars were only a make-up. It's already pained her to know that the love of her life has to put on those so people wouldn't be able to recognise her, it would have been even worse if Mai has to live with such a painful scar for the rest of her life.

"Mai, will you give us another chance? Will you come with me?"

Nanase waited patiently, her heart drumming inside her chest with anticipation. She felt like it skipped some beats when Mai gave her a small smile.

Gently shaking her head, she gave the answer.

"I can't."

**~ To Be Continued ~**

**Author's Note:**

> Imperial princess: Naishinno  
> Crown princess: kotashihi  
> Prince: shinno  
> Princess: shinohi


End file.
